paradigm shift

i've always liked to type when i'm drunk.

like tonight for example.

or that night, many, many years ago...i'll try to keep all my gramatical and spelling errors here. Free typing, typing without correction, that's what tey call it.

Isn't it bliss? ?
as a matter of fact, i'm typing with my eyes closed....those of you who know me will know that i'm really quite capable of that...no big deal it is, just typing away with those lid of yours closed...

so what was the poison of my choice tonight? red wine, white wine and beer.

what's the event? i would rather not say. as a matter of good fact, i'm enjoying myself in this dew of pure bliss right now, alone, by my lonesome... typing alone when drunk, melo songs in the back ground... whitewine in the foregrouund...

i'm having Liquid Tension Experiment's - Hour Glass playing right now... piano solo. something not to be expected from a progressive rock group...

let's take another sip of wine...

so what's first on my mind now? ...London. And JR Inkjet. And Pieter. And Moe. And Ben. And Sarah and James. And Ratcha, Dong Yu, Tomoko. Paula.... the other American girl.

I'm a foreigner. I hate being local. I hate Singapore. I don't want to be a Singaporean.

I'm Jealous.

I'm jealous of all those around me who are able to choose life as they want it. I hate it when i'm to choose a life that i do not want because i'm responsible for those around me.

I can't say that. I love my father. I love my aunties. I would not want to give them up even for my own satisfaction. But there's my own satisfaction, there's my own life. There's my own happiness. I want to settle down in the place i want, with the girl i love, with the life i like. NOT WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GIVEN! I want to live in London, in New York, in Tokyo!! I want to live life alone with the one I love, my own partner... not my family. And yet i can't forsake my family. I can't do that.

I ddidn't want to leave London. I didn't want to leave England. I didn't want to. I've had a chance. I gave it up. Willingly. I had the capabilities. I had what it takes.

I couldn't do it, i had to give it up. Willingly.

I had to return to singapore.

I don't have someone i could i love... i don't know how to love. I've given up on Church, though I still belive in God. Life's unfair, really...to me at least, but at least that's all that matters.

Many, many times i wonder. Why? Why do pepple who don't belive in You live a much better life than I do? Why do people who belive in you live a more harsh life than they should? Why? Why ? Why?

Leaving London was like leaving a girlfriend, albeit this time, I did it willingly. Prospect Road, Essex, Rainham, Woodford Green, Ipswich, Russell Square...these are places i cannot easily forget. The train delays, the bomb scares, the stench of stink, the robbers... who gives a shit? London is beautiful...a beautiful, beautiful rose.... the English rose.... the rose of hope and glory....and yet i've go return to Singapore.

Yet Singapore...singapoe....i don't know... i'm proud to be an Asian. But not a Singaporean. Singapore's a large baby-care centre. The people are rude...boring... selfish...

i'm drunk,

ui can't rite anymore.

good nite.
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