Wisecracks

Over-read from someone's MSN header:

"angels fly high because they take themselves lightly".

cute.

I'm Seoul excited!

(I have since had new political views, please refer to www.fivestarsandamoon.com for updates)

But first, at the risk of sounding too anti-singapore, please take a look at this website : http://derekwee.blogspot.com/ especially if you're overseas, are over 40 or are just clueless about what's happening in the country in general.

I've been so busy, i hardly have time to write! In fact, i'm just squeezing in the last few minutes of my lunch hour to feed in whatever bit of information i can.

Here's a briefy of what's happend during the past few days:

- Went to a local amusement park
- Ate VERY local food
- Booked a flight to Seoul
- Got my hair cut
- Cooked lunch for my neighbour's kids
- Went out with my colleagues

Gotta get back to work. ----outz*

We banned Far Eastern Economic Review? Disgusting.

Another publication banned from Singapore. What are we? A nation of idiots? A bunch of f*ck-wits? Can't we decide what's wholesome and what's not? Are we unable to separate fact from bullshit? Or is there more bullshit that we should be worried about?

Not even my mom and dad have a right to tell me what i can or cannot do. I am free and it is my right to be free. I can decide. I don't need a bunch of dysfunctional old men, devoid of any sex life whatsoever, sitting in a corner of parliament... free to do whatever the fuck they want, free to spend however they like, free to wank to all manner of porn in the privacy of their mansions. I don't need them to legislate my life, to tell me that oral sex is illegal. To tell me what religion i can practice. To tell me not to chew gum? To tell me what i can or cannot write in my blog (of which people are free to decide if i'm writing bullshit or not).

It is embarrassing. I'm sick of foreigners thinking that i come from a nation of babies.

The PAP is up there along with Microsoft, McDonalds, Coca Cola and a watered-down version of the Chinese Communist Party. And like most dictators and monopolies, they leave you no choice but to keep buying from them and they decide what you need. Only the very brainless, soulless, weak of heart and abject lazy will take to such a system.


So it has happened: the Singapore Government banned the Hong Kong-based monthly periodical The Far Eastern Economic Review. Not only are counter sales prohibited, but anyone found with a subscriber copy faces arrest.

The paper was required to post a $S200,000 bond however The Review failed to do so, reasoning that no other country makes such a demand. The Government probably requires such a bond because it suspects that foreign courts will not enforce the defamation judgements of Singapore courts that are made in favour of Singapore's politicians.

Lee Kuan Yew likes to think that Singapore is modern; a member of the First World. He is wrong.

I HEART HONG KONG!

I have been isolated from the rest of society for too long. For those of you who think
that capitalism is such bad thing, may i invite you to spend 6 months in the futher reaches of the Pearl River in Canton.

When i was asked to sit in for the IPO meeting in Hong Kong, my eyes glowed with the
same excited, fanatical evil that a child rapist has upon being invited to a Macdonald's kiddie party. I NEEDED HONG KONG. I MUST HAVE HONG KONG!

3 hours and one rocky train ride later, I found myself soaking up a capitalist's heaven in Wan Chai. Ooooh, the cold air-conditioning, THE SMELL OF REAL PERFUME IN THE AIR, REAL WORLD FOOD, oooooh, the books! A REAL BOOKSTORE WITH *gasp* ENGLISH BOOKS!

And the brands!! The L'occitaines, the Bang and Olufsen, the Guess, the Zara, the Calvin Kleins, the The Body Shops. GIRLS WHO DRESS DECENTLY (which is to say, indecently to some of you, but i'm not much of a moralist). Just 5 minutes in Wan Chai and my head is spinning from a high that so far only skunk can deliver.

Throwing economic caution to the wind, i fished out the dollars and shopped like a woman. Believe me. After months of looking at shit consumer goods at Guangzhou's Tian He district, i feel literally, like the proverbial kid in a candy shop.

My soul was healed merely by the look and touch of designer furniture. My olfactory receptors have come back to life again with the subtle hint of sexy perfume and teased by savoury smells of a skillful baker at the cafe.

I look forward to heading back to China again with as much gleeful anticipation as eating a bowl of cockroaches. Laced with snake bile.

But now i'm back in the harsh reality of Canton with nothing but pictures of dear old Hong Kong. I must, must get out of this country again, i promised myself a trip to either Tokyo or Seoul and I must go again. Working in a place like this, it is so important to leave for a REAL CITY at least once a month or risk going berserk.

AND FOR THE LAST TIME, HONG KONG IS NOT LIKE SINGAPORE! So things are expensive there, boo-fucking-hoo, so they have the same shopping stuff as us. Then stay home and not leave changi airport ever! hong kong has culture, identity and a history that is as rich as china's. they even have a national language! they have enough guts to express themselves and geez, what will our oriental lives be without TVB? Does singapore have any of these? nOooOoOooo.......so stop saying "it's like singapore" cause i'm sure the hongkies would be very insulted. (and if not for the disturbing fact that they're technically run by Beijing, i would be very happy to move there)

Here are some pictures of Hong Kong. But don't just look at them. Go to Hong Kong. Go now. Pick up your phone book your favourite air line and just go.
















Cats on parade!




















Kitty bride of frankenstine.


A display of weird cat dolls.


At a junction of Kowloon Tong (i think)


Underwater tunnel.




What will the East be without the strange choice of words?

Voodoo doll chinese-fied.

Give a Chinese girl a Voodoo doll and look at what she does to it.

Turned a perfectly evil looking voodoo doll into a cutesy pig tailed thing.

thought of the day

wHatever YOU can do,

or THINK you can DO,

BEGIN it.

She was a cat.

Now she's taking it easy amongst clouds in kitty heaven.

To be very honest, it is a little sad that she had to go this way.... however, i won't bother with all the if's, but's and could have's, i will not blame anyone, not even the driver who hit her. Netiher will i blame myself nor my friend who helped me look after her. Death is a process of life and while she may only be a cat, i value her as much as the people who have gone before me.

This episode reminds me of something we all know all this while: That life is short. That life is unpredictable. While you may not be killed in an accident, you can be removed from existence just as easily by some disease. Would you have looked back on your life and think "yes, i've done things i've want to do" or "shit, i've made all this money, now what?" Sure....money can get you the best doctors and medical attention, but what if you've caught something like... HIV? Then what? It may buy you a bit more time, but that time is spent in misery.
Money has always, and will still take back-seat in my life, unless it's in line with what i want to do in life. Sure, i'd love to have lots of it, but i also will not allow it to cloud my thinking or my principals or let it stop me from doing what makes me happy.

I know some of you may think i'm over reacting, Tash may be just bloody road-kill, or that a cat's life has zero economical/productive value as compared to a human life. For those of you who think this way, I would like to offer you a middle finger and a simple "FUCK YOU", in it's full glory. The cat does show emotions. She is capable of expressing feelings like fear, regret and love. She can show me more love than most of my ex girlfriends can.
I'm not practicing double standards. I know i am a carnivore. But my principal is that i will not eat any animal that i have had a personal interaction with.

So Tash, i know you may not read very well, even more so now. But i hope you've had a good time with me....and your short term friend B.B..... i know you probably didn't understand Korean, and you ate her body lotion....and watermelon seeds....i know that some of my friends are frightened of you... i know you chewed up two of my very expensive earphones, destroyed an expensive tie, destroyed my bed and kicked cat litter all over my room....but it's all cool.

Perhaps someone up there decided that blood must be shed for certain things i've done. Perhaps you've taken the place of some ill fate that I would otherwise have suffered.

But goodbye for now, and mew hello to the two other people i know. Cause like you, they left me with hardly a goodbye.

Be in peace Tash.

Rest well. And as a mark of respect, i will not be posting anything for a while.

Romeo and Juliet : My version

But, soft! what accordion through yonder hacienda bequeaths?
It is the icon, and Juliet is the pregnancy.
outweigh, fair vacation, and summary the magnificent belfry,
Who is already perfume and ice with puppet,
That thou her tyro art far more scrawny than she:
Be not her earnings, since she is adorable;
Her robust flat is but overrated and rhythm
And none but yards do hear it; emit it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my writer!
O, that she knew she were!
She razes yet she ridicules nothing: what of that?
Her perdition discourses; I will blame it.

i REALLY have a massive headache!

...and i almost died of alcohol intoxication at that.

A couple of us decided that this shit beer and wine here isn't going to do anyone any harm. So we thought, sod this, let's down this bottle of weird alcohol - distilled from horses milk (yes, you read right). Half an hour later, everyone had a rough time dragging their sorry asses out my door.

I guarantee you, i never felt worse in my life. This hangover lasted me all the way till sunday morning.

My stomach still feels weak and my nostrils seem to have the intoxicating scent of the spirit lingering at the back of the nose, giving me that noxious, nauseating feeling...urgh.

NEVER am i going to do this again. If i had another drop more, I would've already been sharing the bed with the anti-christ.

Now let's get on to more cheery stuff. I can feel it in the air...... the cold temperatures are beginning to peek-a-boo every now and then. Last afternoon was a comfortable temperature. This morning at 9am it felt like 22 degrees everywhere! Yes, it'll get hot again later....but this can only mean one thing.... autumn is on her way! woo woo! and then after that.... winter!! my most favourite season!

But enough of that, let's get on to even more cheery stuff.....

I GOT MYSELF A MacBook !!

And i am very. very. very. impressed.

The minute i took it out of the box, the only words i could express were nothing but "WOW" and "it can do that?!?!". Truely, the Macintosh must have been designed by a team of tech-nerds and arty-farty types.

For starters, it is FAST. How long does it take for Windows to boot up? 30 seconds? 40? ...what about the Mac? From the time you press the power-on, till you hear the "BING" .... 2 seconds. I didn't even feel anything load! No sound from the hard disk!

The dispaly quality? Magic. 3D rendering is beautiful and re-draws in graphics sfotware is almost immediate!

Asthetically? Everything from the software to the hardware has been crafted with fine skill. Drop shadows, highlights, crisp fonts.... magnets to clip the power cord and display in place. The machine is crafted in pure, virgin white. This is THE sexiest computer i have ever owned!

You know when in windows (notice the drop in capitalization and loss of respect for the "w" in "windows") you change your settings, you would have to reboot the system or click the "apply/ok" button to realize your changes? Not for the Mac.

Even the technical manuals are written compasionately for humans, not some arcane techno-jargon.

You can even imagine my horror when the guy at the shop told me he'd sell me windows at a lower rate. idiots.

...now excuse me while i get back to my Mac.

Funny signs part 1

I can't help it! Some of these signs are just so funny! Really, some things are best left untranslated.....


(stress the civilization? i always knew the Chinese were up to something fishy.....)


(Any other form of graffiti, air-brush or road-kill is fine.)


(A hotline for tourist rescuing? What do they do to the tourists up there?)


(Translating is best left to the professionals.)


(Only in China, could such a sign be displayed in such grandiose)

i am psycho bunny

i am psycho bunny. i hopped into benjamin's room. i stomped him with powerful feet. i pulled his ears. i dragged his mangled body outside for my progney to play with. you no fool with bunnies! ever! let this be warning!

So Osama walks into this bar, see?

I read this really funny posting on one of my favourite blog sites. Go read it yourself, it's worth your time, honestly!

http://www.gregpalast.com/so-osama-walks-into-this-bar-see

Pirated DVDs : Amazing.

Look at the quality of copied DVDs here, for 5RMB (0.30 pence, SGD$1), you get : a DVD outer made from thick, matt coated paper, a jewel box inlay, a postcard (?!?), a plastic disc protector, an outer sleeve with contact information on how to get more illegal dvds.....and the movie itself is super high quality, an exact copy of the original! None of that filmed by a camera in a cinema or poor quality copying, this is the real deal.

I am impressed.

Yes, Singaporeans speak English!

Finally! Some recognition that Singaporeans actually do speak English!

If the image is too small and you're too lazy to click on it, it says that a requirement for the program is that you must be from Australia, Canada, Europe, Ireland, UK, USA, New Zealand, or Singapore.

The Global Volunteer Network (http://www.volunteer.org.nz/) is on the look out for nice people (like me) who will offer their skills to the world. They support the work of local community organizations in countries through the placement of international volunteers. So if you want to be connected to communities in need, and have fun in the process. Drop in on their website.

My new camera!

Ok, too much heavy stuff. Back to reality. I know i promised to get a digital camera and here it is! I've decided to experiment it on a dinner out with my immediate colleagues. You must understand that I have about 12,000 people working where i am, so i will use the term "colleagues" very loosely.

Laughing at singapore's national day rally.

(I have since had an "update" of political views, please go to www.fivestarsandamoon.com for further reading)

"...hope that singaporeans overseas will come back one day..."? You really, really, must be joking mr. prime minister. I've said it many times, and i'll say it again: In the eyes of singaporeans, i'm a school dropout. I was not offered studying opportunities, career opportunities nor even respect in the military.

I belong to the demographic of people who will be spending their lives in low waged jobs.

But was this the case elsewhere in the world? England believed in me. Australia believed in me. China believes in me. And i will be more than happy to perform and contribute to their economies rather than singapore's.

i detest the culture (or lack of it), i detest the rudeness, i detest the fakeness, i detest this cosmetic makeover...wool that is pulled over the eyes of all. So now we're trying to attract foreign talent? Well, if not for the money (or the girls), they wouldn't even be here. I know a Japanese girl who couldn't tolerate our attitudes just 3 months of living here.

i would rather contribute 40% in taxes to a communist government and get no benefits in return. after all, you've had more than enough of your fair share in the fines i gave.

Singaporeans have a reputation (abroad) for being rude, nose in the air snobs who think that the little island is all the world there is.

i will most definately not want to return willingly and i know many, many, many others who feel the same way as me.

Contestants for Ms. Korea

Due to popular request, we have pictures of the hottest girls in Korea.... live from Jeju Island.

한국에서 가장 귀여운 여자애들

You are what you eat. So choose carefully.

Since i got here, i've only dared try two types of food that hit my "weird food" threshold. One of which is donkey flesh:



And the other is raw prawns. Which is innocent as compared to donkey meat.

Then there are the other truely vial creatures that I will never, ever consume, no matter how discourteous it seems. And they are:

Scorpions


More Scorpions


And this monster over here (who's going to be turned into herbal soup)


"Vould yu like zome garleek to go vith your tortis monsieur?"



Yes. To me, it's disgusting. To others, it's a priceless delicacy. And I have a feeling I have not seen the last of what the Chinese put on their plates.

And when my cat comes over here, i'm going to request for police protection around her 24 hours. I will booby trap my house and i'll make sure who ever wants to try to stir fry her will be turned into human Royal Canin himself.

I promise I'll get a digital camera soon. I got mine stolen at the Bangkok International Airport. Twats. Either that or some idiot at the Singapore Airport who's stealing it for some cheap thrills.

Now pardon me while i get back to breakfast (of kiwi fruits and soybean milk thank you)

damn funny : the men strike back

saw this bunch of jokes off some webpage. bloody hilarious!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake. ****another askmen winner
------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ***sure askmen love this one ;-)
------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.